The Neptune Warrior

I’m doing a night dive. A really late night dive. The demons of the past are coming back to haunt me and my stomach churns as I think of “getting even” with people who have really upset me. People who disrupted my life. People who were either spiteful or naïve in the things they did that upset an already precariously balanced situation.

The holidays. Ugh. This time of year is challenging for me when I think to some of the relationships that are no longer part of my life. The well wishes, the family by the fireplace, Christmas cheer, Thanksgiving feast, Yule carolers, friends in sweaters and a mug of eggnog, etc. That’s not part of my life now. I try to replicate it but with broken families, broken hearts, and broken dreams, the days of November to January quite frankly suck, so I spend allot of time underwater where I can try to avoid the subject all together. Allot of this has been brought with the discomfort of needing to forgive and move on.

No need to go into full disclosure but when movies like Wonderful Life, Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Carol, The Grinch and all those Hallmark movies, the ideas and themes of grace and forgiveness hit me pretty hard so I spend lots of time submerged so I can avoid the topic. But when I surface its their again to pester me.

The truth is we need to forgive, but do we really know what forgiveness is?

According to Enright & Fitzgibbons, people forgive when
they purposely abandon resentment and related responses and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of
benevolence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love after determining that they have been unfairly treated.

What? This can be tough. Whether its a wrong doing by a driver on the freeway or an ex-spouse using my kids as a weapon against me, or maybe someone seeking to damage my character. Turning the other cheek is pretty tough in some situations.

The truth is, having angst disrupts our lives. Even though I go to the water to seek refuge, peace, and clarity, I would really rather work on other issues than how someone has wronged me.

Maybe this is a deeper dive into what forgiveness really is not:

• Pardon, mercy or leniency. Its not okay you did me wrong and it will change our relationship.
• Reconciliation, we may choose to continue to work together but again until I see a difference I’m probably going to keep guarded.
• Forgetting, I may forgive but what you did I won’t forget. It doesn’t mean I’m going to use this against you or hold it over your head, but what was done was done, so I’m going to be sure to guard myself.
• Revenge, setting things right doesn’t mean I seek revenge. I had a friend who had several affairs to “get back” at her husband for cheating. Didn’t work out to well. In another case a couple I knew would get upset about the other’s spending habits. They would get back at each other by spending more and more money as “revenge”. I am now their financial coach and they are spending money with me to help them change a lifestyle and get out of $30,000 of credit card debt.
• A quick fix. You can’t just forgive to move on. Many cases forgiveness takes some processing to work through. Don’t move on just to avoid painful discussions.
• Accepting what happened knowing that God or karma will “get them in the end”.

How does this tie into diving? Diving is where, at least for me the place I can work through some of the emotions. Its where I can’t always run from myself, in fact the deeper I go the more of me I have to face. Besides, who wants to dive with al that angst in their head.

Below are the gifts of forgiveness that a wise leader gave to me when I was struggling with a pretty complex issue early in my military career:
1. Acknowledge the anger and hurt caused
2. Decide revenge even as a thought is out of the equation. Getting back or repayment has to be consciously off the table.
3. Consider the offender’s perspective. Don’t make excuses for them, the harm was to you, but not everyone is purposely trying to hurt you. Try to understand their attitude and behavior. Most people have good intentions.
4. Decide to accept the hurt without unloading it on the person who offended you. Continuing to “get back” at each other just makes it worse.
5. Extend compassion and good will to the offender.

I admit that I often have a thin skin and can get my feelings hurt over real or imagined offenses. The important things I remember, and again this is where time underwater has helped, is uncovering the real or perceived injustice or slander, try to gain an understanding of the offender, and maybe try to understand if there are places in my life where I have forgiveness for hurting others.