The Neptune Warrior

Sharing a story about one of my divers from the past with her permission. Actually it was going to be a podcast interview, she and I decided that for her health, allowing me to blog it would be better at this time. Obviously the names and locations are changed. A reminder that I am not a counsellor but I am a coach and in this case I was working with my diver’s counsellor and psychiatrist to help her reach her goals and use diving as an avenue.

One of my most talented divers and personalities on the dive site. Margo had it all or, so it seemed. She had a steady job with a great income, a boyfriend who was also a diver that seemed to adore her, and a body made only through a disciplined diet and hours in the gym.

Margo or “Mermaid Margo” had a discerning taste in clothing and could make connections at a social event with little or no effort. But she had a dark side as well. Only her close friends and those that she had hot and cold relationships saw that Margo could quickly fly off the handle, turn a cold shoulder, and isolate for days at a time. Her workout partner saw how she meticulous she was about her own body and would harshly criticize those who didn’t live up to her standards. Her boyfriend, the fourth in the past three years was getting fed up with her insistent insecurities, followed by periods of brazen behavior, and then depression.

 Margo could be become emotional about any perceived slight towards her. As a dive student it was sometimes difficult to coach her. She constantly checked herself in the mirror and was a regular at the local clinic that promised reduced wrinkles, tighter hips, larger breast, and fatter lips. Any opportunity whether it was a workout in the gym, a club dive, dinner with a friend, or a walk around the park, Margo could fill the time with a selfie, self-indulgence, and self-pity.

What I didn’t know at the time, Margo was showing several of the symptoms often associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. (Remember I am not a counsellor so I do not diagnose). While often being a caring and helpful person, many of her relationships were broken apart because of a lack of empathy for those close to her. Even though she could be the life of the party on a dive site or even hanging out at the shop, she could at times fall into depression and isolate herself. Sometimes this was her fear of being left alone, which drove her boyfriend crazy as she would slip deeper into depression.

What I now know is Margo and others who struggle with  borderline personality disorder, can have at times a powerful fear of abandonment or instability. Margo had difficulty tolerating situations where she feared being abandoned and alone. It’s a catch 22 situation for her because this intense fear turns to misplaced anger, poor judgement, lashing out, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings that unfortunately pushes others away. Those who love her the most and tried to help her are the ones who suffer and even though she desperately needs and wants to have loving, lasting, and meaningful relationships, she sabotaged her own efforts.

Risky Business

During a vacation Margo met a man in the hotel workout room. He showed a great deal of interest in her and over the next three days she not only made trips to his room several times a day for sex, but also had various degrees of sexual content in the sauna, the workout room, and the parking lot of the hotel. Her poor judgement, impulsive behavior, and the need to take risk didn’t stop with hook-ups throughout her trip. She also found herself on spending sprees, gambling at the hotel casino (with several trips to the ATM), drinking large amounts of alcohol, and experimenting with meth.

Not willing to stand by and watch her self-destruct, her boyfriend (not knowing about the multiple sexual encounters) attempted to intervene. However, upon finding out that she had nearly drained her bank account and had quit her job several weeks before the trip, she admitted to the encounters, lashing out at his lack of affection and inability to perform in the bedroom.

In another incident, she sabotaged her own success by suddenly quitting her job that had great prospects and now ending a positive relationship with someone who cared for her. I knew Ren pretty well as a diver and as her boyfriend, he had to be a saint, but he simply hit a point he could no longer handle her and had to move into a position to protect himself.

Ren and Margo both shared their parts of the story during coaching sessions and I learned it was a long, quiet plane ride home. Ren upgraded his own ticket to first class and upon returning home, moved out and in spite of her repeated attempts, he has never responded to a call, text, or email she has sent apologizing for her actions.

For a long period of time, Margo did nothing to change or get help even after being diagnosed with BPD. She has returned to diving because it offers a safer community for her. We still talk and I see she is still in relationships where she continues the same self-destructing actions. But I believe there is hope.

It would be so easy to label her. It would be convenient to throw a scarlet letter on her and unfortunately many have already. It would be easy for many to take advantage of the situation and pain she suffers through. Margo isn’t the party girl, she is a young woman suffering through the consequences of Borderline Personality Disorder. Approximately 1.6 percent of the population suffers from BPD and various degrees of its 9 symptoms. Margo is one of them.

Causes and Pre-Disposition

Margo’s mother suffered from some of the same issues. Also having multiple relationships, dropping out of college on a full scholarship, having an addiction to alcohol, and living above her means. She was also in several abusive relationships which added stress to Margo’s childhood. Though Margo was never sexually abused, the mental abuse and stress caused by her mother and the revolving door of boyfriends could be a cause for also having the disorder.

Margo’s mother is guilty of neglect and the entire family believes this. Though she was never really abandoned, she still feels the separation with her mother frequently not coming home at night. When a person has BPD, it is often that a parent left them to fend for themselves or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse such as alcohol or drugs. At best her relationship with her mother was hostile and full of conflict. It was without doubt an unstable family situation.

I often speak of diving offering healing. Its not a silver bullet. Its not a cure-all. It may only be an activity that for a period of time keeps Margo out of doing something irrational. It might be a moment to keep her safe. Diving communities can offer that “family” atmosphere for someone struggling.

Margo and I meet for coaching sessions a few times a month where we talk diving, goals, and apply what she is learning from her dive sessions to her own healing.

We all need to be careful of who we meet on the dive site. This hobby, sport, lifestyle maybe the one thing that keeps them hanging on. Be kind on the dive site, check in on your fellow divers, take dive buddies diving or at least out for coffee. Stay connected to those who need it.